Sheets of Rain and 44 year-old Shadows That Don't Scare Me -originally posted April, 2007

I think I might be getting comfortable with my age. Did I survive Mid-life Crises? Who the hell knows. I’m not sure if it’s over or if I’ll ever know when it is. It’s been a pretty interesting ride so far and I think I have changed quite a bit, especially during the last couple of years. Having my shell cracked few times has certainly let some goopy shit inside of me slip out into plain view for the world to see, for me to see. Yikes!! All these cracks in my armor have me thinking it might be better to chuck the whole thing into the recyclable bin and save my energy for something better, like some time on the river with my kids.

Ahh…. I am fortunate to have had good people in my life. I am blessed to have some new-old souls and good folks who have returned after a hiatus of my own doing. I have enough X’s to win easily in tic-tac-toe without even going first. Each one has taught me a whole lot about myself and life. I’ve learned that my kids can be right sometimes when they argue with me and sometimes it really doesn’t matter if they aren’t.

I’ve certainly developed a deep appreciation for the magnitude of suffering that people endure in their lives. I think other people's crap always scared me because it reminded me so much of my own.

So really, whose crap was I really scared of? Its weird but, when I don’t run from it all the time, I start seeing some beauty in it. I see its beauty because I know where loss has led me. It’s made me sad, lonely, guilty, angry at myself and confused but,in the end, it has changed me in a good way. I can now look back to when I believed that really had my shit together and see that I was putting everything I had into duct tape to keep the outhouse from caving in on me.

As I am learning about compassion and sacrifice, I am also learning about those things that I should never give away, things that make me who I am. Without these things, I don’t really have much to offer to myself or those whom I love. I am talking about my music, my time outdoors and being able to jazz on very beautiful yet, seemingly unimportant things. I am talking about the rain was coming down in sheets tonight, a good day with my girls and my dog plunking his fury mug on my shoulder when we drive.

I am learning about balance and I am learning that it is fleeting. Nobody ever really had it for any length of time, certainly not me. Sometimes I think the rug is there and then, its gone. It doesn’t get pulled out from underneath me, it just goes. When it does, it kinda sucks to have admit that its not there. It sucks more to realize that I have been pretending stand on it. It really, really sucks to acknowledge the truth that it was never there in first place. These are "good kinda sucks" because they remind me and make me notice...... Humbled once more